I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
