My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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