The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
