i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
