Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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