i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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