Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
