I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
