Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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