Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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