Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
nutella sex= disaster
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
