Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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