Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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