Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
