I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
