Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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