I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
