he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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