i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize