i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
