just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
