I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
