Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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