1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
