i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The best revenge is premature balding
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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