Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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