woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
