I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
