Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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