I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
