I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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