did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
