Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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