she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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