My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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