when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
