apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
