They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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