he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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