News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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