i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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