Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
