I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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