Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
