The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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