just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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