My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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