I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
