im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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