On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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